I’m announcing my intent to run for President of the United States of Murika in 2020. I think I would be the best thing ever to happen to this country considering I don’t think I could do much worse.
- I promise to bring fresh cat memes to the White House.
- I promise not to promote my children to office, since I have none, that won’t be hard. Although an infant’s temper tantrums would be more understandable and reasonable.
- I will, however issue one feline companion to every person working in the White House and install a kitty flap in the door to the Oval Office.
- I’m opening applications now for Secretary of Litter Control.
- I will only hire cabinet members from Old Friends Sr. Dogs Sanctuary and other local shelters. Their pedigree of cute will be all they need on their resume.
- I vow that I will not go on Twitter and insult foreign nations.
- Nor will I start fights with the American people then block them. I will only be on Twitter to deliver terrible puns and proclamations that my cats are assholes.
- To all people who buy and review my books on Amazon, I’ll issue ONE Presidential Pardon Coupon. They’re not really worth anything, but it’ll be something to put on the wall.
- Although, Presidential Pardon Coupons can be exchanged for a free 11×17 poster of choice if you see me at a convention.
(BTW, this is a joke. My vote will forever go to Deez Nuts.)