I’ve been working on a few other projects to get myself some cash in the meantime – and as a result, I’ve been spending a lot of time hunched over on the floor sewing. Ugh. Once this is done, I’m not touching a sewing machine again in a while. My fingers are about ruined from stabbing myself repeatedly with pins. Owie.

In any case, I’ve at least got something to update the site with!


Symbol of Hope: UNSENT

I’m sorry, Miki.

I am really truly sorry for what I will do to you.

It isn’t fair. I know it isn’t, and I know that nothing in your life has been fair. You certainly didn’t ask for what happened to you. But I didn’t ask for this to happen to me either. And I guess we’re in the same boat on that one…. And I’m sorry for that too. I could apologize every minute of every day for years and never be sorry enough.

The thing is: I know you’d forgive me. That just makes me feel worse – because I can never tell you how I used you. You will die thinking that I loved you… and maybe that’s a blessing. Being that no one’s ever said those words to you before. I’m a coward and a liar, and you’ll pay the price for it. I’m sorry.

I know what the odds are. I know how things will go. I’ve spent so long, thinking it all through – and it comes down to action, responsibility, and the desire to live. I’ve been doing nothing but reacting my whole life. I let things happen and then I do something. I’ve never set up a situation where I set the rules and knew the score from the start. I’ve never dared to go that far. Now, it’s come down to life or death. I have the choice to act or not. I can just let myself die here, and then the Empire will fall, and billions will die because I didn’t have the guts to sacrifice one person to save my own skin.

I’ve come to realize that the difference between action and reaction is responsibility.

By merely reacting, I take no responsibility for what’s happened to anyone around me. My decisions were a result of someone else’s actions. The deaths caused by my orders are simply byproducts of the situation I was handed. In acting – making a conscious choice to take a situation and bend it to my will, I am taking responsibility for it and what occurs.

I’ve decided to take responsibility.

I do not intend to outlive you by much, Miki. Even though I can’t love you, I can at least honor your sacrifice by saving the Empire and quietly removing myself from the picture. I don’t deserve to live – and especially won’t after I’ve finished mopping up this mess. There is no place for someone like me in the ordered world. After all, its people like me – the deviant individuals – that made this mess to start with. But for now, I am the only one who can save civilization.

Funny that… I can save civilization, but I can’t save the only truly innocent person in all this.

I’m so …very sorry. And the irony is that I can never tell you or anyone else what I’ve done. No one will know my shame or your nobility.

I’m sorry.